Sometimes India makes me want to cry. It just happens, out of the blue. It's always because I see some particularly maimed beggar, or a mangy dog, or a dog with his head half smashed in from some accident, or a cow with bloated belly from eating plastic bags but the rest of the body is clearly emaciated, or a goat hobbling with a broken leg... god, there are so many terrible things to see. But the incredible part is not that sometimes it makes me want to cry; the incredible part is that it doesn't always make me want to cry. Sometimes I just walk with my head high and I am unseeing and unhearing. I often walk and hum to myself, sometimes I sing this mantra for universal peace that I learned at the ashram. I wanted to post the words, but I cannot find a copy of it online, so I'll have to transcribe it later from my journal. Somehow, if I'm singing this mantra, I feel like everything is okay and honestly, it seems like people bug me less. It's not as though I'm singing loudly or anything. I'm really just singing under my breath, so I reckon they'd only hear if they were close (have I mentioned how noisy India is?).
Today was one of those days where I had to sing the universal peace mantra just to get by. I walked to the ashram thinking, again, that I might go in to see the Christmas ado, but I couldn't do it. I don't know if I'm lacking curiosity, courage or will, but I just couldn't bring myself to go in there. Instead I went to the German Bakery and treated myself to a slice of lemon cake and a cappuccino. Tomorrow I start my 5 fast. It's not really a fast- I drink a bunch of ghee in the morning and then I get a bowl of porridge which looks about as exciting as the watery gruel you'd imagine they fed to Oliver in Oliver Twist. I think I will find it difficult, especially the drinking butter bit.
Anyway, after passing so many beggars today I put some change in my pocket and I found the remaining cigarettes that I have left over from my last digression and made them easily accessible to give away. Then I started walking (to this internet shed) and singing and I don't know what happened, but I got here with all my change in my pocket and these accursed cigarettes still in my purse. It's like all the terrors just disappeared, and seriously, I was looking!
I also gave a little gift to Lidia this morning. I just left it at her door with a Christmas card I made. I kind of hope she doesn't react. I almost didn't give it to her because I don't really want to make up with her, but I already had it for her and it seemed very small and petty not to give it to her. You know, Christmas spirit and all that jazz.
On a lighter note, I am doing a little Christmas line dancing with singing performance with some other folks tomorrow morning. How bizarre! Haha... we're singing Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, a little tardy, considering we're doing it the day after Christmas!! Oh well, maybe he's coming on India time, but he's using North American time so it'll still be Christmas in North America and in India it's quite normal to be late... make sense?! No problem!
Well, I think I will be on the internet every day this week. It is an easy activity which I can achieve even while fasting, so you'll get lots of my incredibly deep thoughts during panchakarma! ha ha read on!
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